Guilty until proven Innocent
No one blamed him, but Bear had already decided he was guilty. A small mistake triggered old wounds and a familiar spiral of self-blame—until the three people he loves reminded him that not every burden is his to carry, and he doesn’t have to carry the ones that are alone.
From Bear.
A small mistake.
Your partner tells you that there was something that hurt their feelings, small and quickly worked through, but you asked for communication and clarity.
You asked to know everything.
Immediately, you feel guilty about screwing something up.
Past trauma is triggered, and you start to spiral.
You get into your head about all the things you have screwed up over your lifetime.
Even things that you had no control over.
It’s all your fault. Everything is your fault.
Here’s the thing - No one is blaming you.
When your relationship gets as involved as ours has, with four sets of feelings, four sets of opinions, four sets of trauma, there is a lot to navigate.
Communication is key. Some good, some awkward, some frightening, all necessary.
This includes talking about your own traumas.
I carry a lot of guilt for many things over the years. Sometimes this presents itself in the relationship between Erin and me, and more recently between the four of us.
I have asked Erin, Lizzy, and RH to share all of their feelings, cause I firmly believe that letting things fester is where we will get into trouble, but I forgot to share mine. I forgot to take into account my thoughts, patterns, and traumas.
I forgot to trust the 3 people I have chosen with my burdens, as they have trusted me with theirs.
I wasn’t guilty; I was blaming myself for making a mistake. I was reliving trauma from childhood, making everything my fault. I was placing a burden on myself that wasn’t mine to carry.
The Good News
The three people I have surrounded myself with came to my rescue. They recognized that I had gone dark and called me out on my silence.
They brought me back from the edge of the abyss and showed me that it’s ok to forgive myself for a mistake and to stop blaming myself for being human.
We are our own worst critics, and unfortunately it’s usually very difficult to get out of our own way.
Love and understanding, and a little patience, however, can help heal those past wounds, if you are willing to allow those who love and care for you into your world, and let them show you that there is more than guilt and blame out there.
My takeaway - Lean on those you love. Burdens get a whole lot lighter when you have more than one set of hands to pick them up.
